Month One

Oh my gosh, has it really been that long? Or, rather, has it only been a month? Time is funny these days. But, alas, it has been a month since our little precious guy went off to party with Jesus. We’re hanging in there…no actually, we’re doing better than that. The first few weeks were chaotic, with people dropping by, service planning, two memorials, and out-of-town guests. We couldn’t really see how things were going to be until it was just the four of us, in a new daily routine. Our first chance at that was last Monday (the 15th), after Peter began his new work schedule, and I was alone with the kids for the first time, without any outside help. The week went pretty smoothly. The kids have been fine since Ezra’s passing…they mention him often and talk about him being in Heaven. Peter and I, well, we see so many things around us that remind us of Ezra. Going through his things has been the hardest part. Its so hard to let go. But we know it’s all just stuff, and that Ezra is still with us, and will always be with us. His memory will always be alive in our home. In fact, Ezra already bought us a Christmas gift! We used all of the gift cards we had been saving to buy him a crib and we bought a Nintendo Wii. We plan to wrap it and put it under the tree as a gift to all of us, from Ezra.

For me, the night hours are the worst. Peter works from 2-10pm now with his new job and once I put the kids to bed, I really feel the loneliness slip over me. That’s when the tears most often appear. I find myself going through photos, reading old blogs, or just thinking about what could have been. I have been able to put it aside and pray quietly for release from any guilt I feel. The Holy Spirit is really residing with us now. I know He is always present, but I am very attuned to Him now. He knows our hearts need guarding, because the Enemy will use this situation to strike. I want to be careful not to fall into a pit of depression. I will myself to stay strong, for my family and myself. I know it will be hard, but after all, I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).

And, so, the new normal has begun. It still doesn’t feel like normal, though. But, I know over time, it will be easier to get through each day (and night). I also know that Ezra will never be forgotten and that the impact he made on our lives will remain fresh and new as we continue on this journey. We are just thankful for our incredible support system of family and friends, and for the High Priest, our Lord, Jesus, who is always going ahead of us to clear the way. Praise Him!



This is a song I've been listening to a lot recently. Its by Lifehouse. I used to identify it as being about having a disconnect from God, but now, well...

I dedicate "From Where You Are" (lyrics and music by Jason Wade) to our little man:

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
So far away from where you are
Standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here