Never-Ending Summer

I AM SO OVER THIS HEAT!!!!!! Its no secret how much I despise AZ weather between April and November, but seriously, ENOUGH! I am literally going crazy. I am sick of being inside all the time; the kids are literally jumping off the walls from boredom. And, because of their age differences, its difficult to find indoor activities that keep them both entertained that does not involve the television/video games. I miss walks. I miss parks. I miss rain--cold, drizzly, foggy, CA rain. I miss trees, flowers, real green grass. I am just saying no to summer!

We tried an outdoor activity yesterday by attending Phoenix Zoo's Biggest Play Date event (sponsored by Fisher Price). The kids had fun, but by 9am I was sweaty and feeling claustrophobic from the amount of people. And, of course, we still had to walk around and see the animals. Well, we saw a few of their favorites (the orangutan, the otters, the zebras and giraffes, and the monkey village) and then we went home. I think it was our shortest zoo trip ever. 1 hour, 45 minutes. I'm trying to be a fun Mom, but we got home, and I got back into my pajamas, and we had yet another movie marathon (we did that Friday too). Lame old me.

So, anyway, here are a few shots from yesterday. Enjoy. :)











Hurry up November!!!

Month One

Oh my gosh, has it really been that long? Or, rather, has it only been a month? Time is funny these days. But, alas, it has been a month since our little precious guy went off to party with Jesus. We’re hanging in there…no actually, we’re doing better than that. The first few weeks were chaotic, with people dropping by, service planning, two memorials, and out-of-town guests. We couldn’t really see how things were going to be until it was just the four of us, in a new daily routine. Our first chance at that was last Monday (the 15th), after Peter began his new work schedule, and I was alone with the kids for the first time, without any outside help. The week went pretty smoothly. The kids have been fine since Ezra’s passing…they mention him often and talk about him being in Heaven. Peter and I, well, we see so many things around us that remind us of Ezra. Going through his things has been the hardest part. Its so hard to let go. But we know it’s all just stuff, and that Ezra is still with us, and will always be with us. His memory will always be alive in our home. In fact, Ezra already bought us a Christmas gift! We used all of the gift cards we had been saving to buy him a crib and we bought a Nintendo Wii. We plan to wrap it and put it under the tree as a gift to all of us, from Ezra.

For me, the night hours are the worst. Peter works from 2-10pm now with his new job and once I put the kids to bed, I really feel the loneliness slip over me. That’s when the tears most often appear. I find myself going through photos, reading old blogs, or just thinking about what could have been. I have been able to put it aside and pray quietly for release from any guilt I feel. The Holy Spirit is really residing with us now. I know He is always present, but I am very attuned to Him now. He knows our hearts need guarding, because the Enemy will use this situation to strike. I want to be careful not to fall into a pit of depression. I will myself to stay strong, for my family and myself. I know it will be hard, but after all, I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).

And, so, the new normal has begun. It still doesn’t feel like normal, though. But, I know over time, it will be easier to get through each day (and night). I also know that Ezra will never be forgotten and that the impact he made on our lives will remain fresh and new as we continue on this journey. We are just thankful for our incredible support system of family and friends, and for the High Priest, our Lord, Jesus, who is always going ahead of us to clear the way. Praise Him!



This is a song I've been listening to a lot recently. Its by Lifehouse. I used to identify it as being about having a disconnect from God, but now, well...

I dedicate "From Where You Are" (lyrics and music by Jason Wade) to our little man:

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
So far away from where you are
Standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

De-cluttering

It seems that it is "Fall cleaning" time over at our house. With Peter's new schedule, we find that we have a lot more "usable" hours with which we need to find "constructive" and "inexpensive" things to do. So, we're clearing out our stuff. We have found, in our short marriage (7 years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things) that we have accumulated a lot of stuff. Most of it we don't need, and keep around for sentimental value. Well, now its out with the old and in with the new. Only, we aren't going to go out and replace the things we're getting rid of, no. We are going to take a stab at living with what we have, and only replacing the necessities (like food, and, of course, batteries in the remote control). Seriously though, I just feel like we are so cluttered with stuff. And not just physically, but emotionally. I am in a "nesting" phase, if you will. I know it is a direct reaction to Ezra's absence from our lives. And it all started with us sorting through his things. We're wanting to save this stuff because it reminds us of Ezra. But, what does that mean? If we throw it away, does that mean we'll forget him? Of course not. He is with us always. He will always be our baby boy and a part of our lives. The stuff isn't going to change that one way or the other. As for emotional clutter, its the guilt and the what-if game. It must stop. This clutter only weighs us down. This was God's will for us and for Ezra. We are blessed to have had him in our lives for as long as we did. He was an amazing little man and he taught me a lot. I don't want to think about what if this, what if that. I don't want to feel guilty thinking that I may not have done all I could to keep him well. We did the best with what we got and sought God throughout the process. That is all that is asked of us.

And so, we continue to rummage through things that narrate our lives...but they do not define our lives. Its just stuff. And we're not taking it with us. And I don't want to leave it behind, so that when I pass on, my kids have to rummage through it, wondering if they should keep it for sentimental value. I hope that they will take from me things that they can carry with them through their lives. Things that will mold their minds, their attitudes, and their actions. Because you shouldn't be remembered for what you leave behind, but for what you give to someone else that they can pass on.

Poems

These are the poems I wrote for Ezra, one after his birth and one after his death. I decided to post them here for those who were unable to attend either memorial.

Uncertain Beginnings
A life, fresh and new
Untainted, yet troubled
A worry, festering fear
Daunting and in control
Uncertainty looms with sadness
What's to come of this?
So unprepared, unripe
Not ready for the picking
A breath not yet your own
A song still without melody
How did we get this far so soon?
So much still stands in the way
But your heart beats steady
And your skin, so warm
Dancing to your own tune
Far behind the rest
But there's time for that later
Now, its just silent
Arms longing to hold
Cradled, but empty
Waiting for hope
A power we cannot produce
A feeling no machine can duplicate
A womb strong enough to sustain
Grace, which can heal and bring life
So, with a sigh, we wait.
SMF
08-14-07


The You I See
In an image all your own
But entirely of God
Every cell stitched with love
Your being, a warm sensation
Your purpose complete
A source of joy and uncertainty
A necessary existence
Torn away, but always lingering
Even still, you move
Even silent, you're heard
Even past, you're present
Bigger than you ever were
Stronger than you've ever been
Wiser than we'll ever know
Your heart beats beyond
This life you never lived
So abrupt and unsure
Even the air couldn't contain it
Pure beauty, unrecognizable
Yet so everlasting
Even when we cannot see it anymore
Far away, and still so close
Lingering here
In a brokenness not complete
So loved and so true
This path will always remain
A hope in something greater
Far better than ever before
SMF
08-24-08



(Those are "working titles"...I am not 100% sure I like either title. I often leave my poems untitled until later, when I have a different perspective of them. If anyone has any thoughts on titles, I would love to hear your perspective!)

Memorial 2

This past Saturday, we held a second "memorial" (it was more of a reception) in Los Angeles (well, Palmdale) for Mr. Ez. Again, there was an incredible response from family and friends who came to celebrate Ezra's life. It was intimate and informal. People sharing memories and laughter. Children running around, playing carefree, an image held dear because I know that is what Ezra is doing in Heaven. He is in his perfect body, in the presence of our Lord, running with his cousins, and other family members and friends. It gives us comfort, peace. And, somehow, reconciliation. Not that we are "closing" the chapter of Ezra's life; he will forever be our son and apart of our family. No, but we are now resolved to move on, concentrating our efforts on each other, our two other children, family, friends, careers, and most importantly, God. Our focus is not one of regret, sorrow, or pain. Those may remain, but not in a menacing way. Only to remind us of what we've overcome, what Ezra overcame. And of God's grace and mercy and sovereignty. He is glorious!

Thank you again to everyone who came to help us celebrate, and to those who were unable to come due to life circumstances, but sent flowers, or cards (or both), emails, text messages, and phone calls. How well we have been taken care of these past two weeks. We are incredibly blessed.

A plaque our dear friends the Slocums made:


Another balloon release:


Off to find Ezra:


Flowers:


(In the photo preceding the blog is a plaque of sorts that my sister Christine and her family had made for Ezra, and us. They also opened their home for the occasion. We thank them profusely!)

Alayna Started Pre-School!!!

Today was the open house for Alayna's preschool class. Only, I was not aware that it was only an open house and Alayna was anticipating actual class time. I did not read the paperwork carefully enough. But, she did okay. She did not want to leave, but eventually went home without a fit. She's attending the local Elementary School, which has a Pre-school program. We met the teacher and the aide and got acquainted with the classroom. Alayna is VERY excited to be at school. Thursday will be her first full day (a whole 2 hours!).

I am having mixed emotions, as you can imagine. I am ready to let her go, and learn and explore and make friends. But, at the same time, with the loss of Ezra, I know I am going to be extremely lonely during those two hours. It will help with Peter's new schedule. He starts his new shift in a couple weeks...he'll be working 2-10pm, so he will be home in the mornings. I think it will make this transition time to "the new normal", as we're calling it, a lot easier.

Anyway--congratulations to Miss Alayna. Our little girl is growing up (too fast)!!!

Isn't it Ironic?

Oh, what a story to tell about Mr. Ez, who spent his entire life being too small for anything. Too small to take the amount of blood required for genetic testing, too small for many of the clothes we had for him, too small to be in a forward facing car seat on his first birthday, and well, the list goes on. The irony of this story came yesterday when Peter went to pick up the urn with the "cremains". Ezra was too big for the urn we got! We bought a smaller urn, at the suggestion of the mortician, because we didn't want some big old urn in our house, and because we were told there would be a small amount of cremains from a child as little as Ezra. Not only did Ezra fill the urn we bought, but also more than half-filled an urn of equal size (which was given to us free-of-charge from the mortuary)!!! Ezra just had to surprise us one more time!



We're still unsure what we will do with his ashes. We're thinking when the kids are older and it means something to them, we can scatter them somewhere that is special to us as a family. In the meantime, we'll be getting him a plaque at Eternal Valley in Santa Clarita, CA; and possibly donate some money to Banner Children's Hospital in the form of a "square" on the dedication wall there. He spent the first 2 months of his life in the NICU there, and the last 2 weeks in the PICU. The staff was amazing.