{4}

Precious Ezra James would be turning 4 today.  Wow.  Time flies.  It doesn't feel like four years.  Some days it feels like yesterday, others it feels like a decade.  And each year, as time goes on, and we celebrate his birth without him, it only seems to get more difficult.  Not easier, like I thought it would be.  The longer I go without seeing his sweet face or holding him close to me, the more I miss him.  We never got to celebrate even one birthday with him, since he went into the hospital on his first birthday, 3 days before the party we planned.  And, every year, in the weeks leading up to his birthday, I sit and wish that I could plan a big birthday party for him.  Write out a list of who to invite, pick a theme, buy him that gift that he'd been hoping for, and make his favorite cake.  But, instead, I just cry and make a cake (or something else) that we like, one that he will never eat.  (And, yes, there is the obvious question of whether he'd even be physically able to eat cake if he were here, but that's a whole other issue.)  It's not how I wanted to celebrate the birth of my third baby, but it is what we've been given, so we do it.

I cannot imagine Ezra as a four-year-old.  He is permanently fixed in my memory as a 12-pound, 4 ounce baby with gold-rimmed glasses, low-set ears, and an awkward-shaped head because of the hydrocephalus.  I can't imagine him walking or talking or running or doing other things that 4-year-olds do.  He'd be starting pre-school this year; maybe, depending on what his physical and developmental needs would be.   I actually think that I am better off not being able to see him as that child.  I think it would make me more sad.  It's a little bit easier just to remember how he was (apart from all of his issues)--a sweet little man, who rarely cried, loved to play with his toys, and had the most precious smile you could imagine.  Either way, the ache I feel from missing him is still ever-present.  Every day.  But, more so on "special" days--holidays, celebrations, and, of course, his birthday.

And, so, today would have been the day that Mr. Ez turned 4.  And, even though its bittersweet for us, we can't NOT celebrate our little man.  This year was a little different because Jeremiah was in CA and couldn't celebrate with us.  After our homemade ice cream sandwiches, we went up Mt. Tabor with his ashes and some balloons.  After sprinkling some of his ashes by a tree, we released the (4) balloons to the skies.  It was a quiet celebration of his short, earthly life.

Happy 4th Birthday, Ezra James.  We miss you.  We love you.

Cookie Bar "Cake"/Ice Cream Sandwich

Balloon Release at Mt. Tabor

Can you see them???

Ashes to Ashes.....