9 Months

9 months can mean different things to different people. It can seem like a really long time or not enough time. Peter and I were engaged for 9 months. It was the perfect amount of time to plan a wedding like the one we had (semi-big, 150 people--coming from far away). I was never stressed about stuff getting done. I never had any bridezilla moments. And while we hit a few glitches (nothing major) on the big day, it was almost exactly how I imagined my wedding would be (with the exception of the absence of my older sister, who had given birth to my nephew the day before...). 9 months is the approximate amount of time a couple has to prepare for the birth of a baby. Again, it seems like an appropriate amount of time (until those later months, as the mom, and your body is so uncomfortable). But, you're so anxious for the arrival that 9 months can seem to take forever, or flies by until you realize there are only a few weeks left, and you feel totally unprepared.

The last nine months, for me, seemed to pass without my awareness of it. Jeremiah is done with first grade, Peter has been at his new job, and Ezra has been gone. I remember this day 9 months ago--August 24th--it was a Sunday, like today. We were in the PICU and the kids and Grandma Ferrante were saying their goodbyes to the little man. Then, she left, taking the kids home for lunch and a swim. And Peter and I stood over our son's hospital crib. He was so pale and fragile. Hooked up to machines that were feeding him, giving him oxygen, and breathing for him. We prayed. We cried. We talked to doctors. Some friends stopped by to visit and say their goodbyes. People telling us we were doing the "right thing" for Ezra. And we felt peace in our decision to take him off life support. We were assured in our God, who could have healed him right there, if that was His will. But, somehow, I knew, Ezra's purpose had been fulfilled. The Lord would bring him home to live for eternity. And we would see him again, in his heavenly glory. What an awesome God we have. Ezra got the better end of the deal. We were the ones who had to sort everything out, stay here as aliens in this place and figure out the reason for it all. To no avail.

Over the last 9 months, I've asked myself and God,"What is the purpose of this?" How is this serving Him? How is this strengthening His Kingdom? The answer, over and over again, is "There is more". So, its not complete. God has more, infinitely more than we can ever imagine. And that is how we've gotten through the last nine months. That is how we move forward and seek His will for us here. By our faith in our God, who loves us more than we can fathom. He has a plan, not to harm us, but to prosper us. There is more. He never ceases to amaze me. We are so blessed.

Oh, but we miss him. We miss our little Ez daily. What I wouldn't give to see his smile; or to hear him clicking his tongue. To see him play with his little jungle gym or shake his rings. The sting of his absence has not subsided over the past 9 months. I wonder if it ever will.