Discouragement

1 Cor 10:13

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”

This past week, I came across this verse again in my daily Bible reading. It always stands out to me. It was one of my first memory verses, mostly because I have always felt that I was dealt a very raw hand in life. I’ve never had it easy, nor will I. I’ve been constantly tempted and tested. But what I once lacked, which led to endless depression and desperate feelings of loneliness and hopelessness, was the HOPE that Jesus has to offer. Now I know, I was never alone. I felt alone, out of place, even unloved, despite my wonderful family. I never felt like I fit in at school, or anywhere else really. I was a misfit. I wore a façade that I only let down to a precious few—I knew that no one would like the “real” me. But then, on October 7, 2000, I FINALLY admitted my fault and accepted Jesus into my heart. Once I embraced Him and His promises, I’ve never had those feelings, even at my darkest moments. When I come to the brink of complete helplessness, something brings me back to this verse, the Lord’s promise to me that I will get through it. But, now, as I look at this promise, I feel so weighed down. I feel like I cannot stand up to my current circumstances. Each day I cry out to God and ask why we were placed with this burden of a (potentially) severely disabled child. I cry through many of Ezra’s feedings, when it seems like such a struggle for him to drink just 2 ounces. And every time we put him on the scale, there’s this moment of hope before the numbers show up just to have our hopes crushed when we see that he still hasn’t gained any weight. We don’t have any physical support here in AZ and we’ve been praying for a year for an opportunity to return home to CA. Its such a hassle to juggle schedules so that I don’t have to drag Alayna to every doctor appointment and Peter has missed so much work. I feel like every moment is a struggle, and have for almost our entire time in AZ. And I know that is where we fell short, where we were chasing Earthly gain (a home) instead of His will for our lives. It seemed right at the time because everything fell into place within a month—job, house, finances. But, then, one thing after another happened…a downward spiral, if you will; and here we are—wanting nothing more than to move back to CA (except, of course, for the obvious: Ezra to be healed). I know God allows things to happen for His greater purpose (Roman8:28) but I wish He would reveal that soon before the frayed ends break. We’re all so fragile right now, and I keep praying for God to provide that way out.